I have no idea what is going on…
I haven’t blogged for a while. I can’t remember when was my las blog. I need to look that up. I think it was a BJJ blog. Things have not been going well for a while. I have no idea what is going on to be honest. Life has been trying to tell me something, but I keep missing what it is trying to tell me. I feel like for a while I have not been living but rather existing.
It has been like for a while, a good 3 year at least. I have the feeling that I have lost myself somewhere along the way, and I am not putting in the effort to find myself either. It’s sounds a bit sad to be honest. I feel that I am fighting change, change from within. Instead of letting it happen I keep postponing it. Yes, this goes deep and I am not able to figure things out.
And then I turned 50. On one of my somber days I came across a saying of one of the Wayans brothers and it stuck with me. It goes something like this;
“If I am 52 and God blesses me with another 20 years, That means that I have more days behind me than ahead of me. I am not going to waste one more second of my life. I am going to enjoy the ride, and if I have to be alone to enjoy it. That’s what will happen….”
When I heard this quote, it hit me hard. Not because I might have only 20 years to live, but because I have not been living. Quality of life is determined and enjoyed in the moment, and not in the past or in the future. Also not in the amount of years you live, but the quality of life that you are living. My wife has been telling me this also. In her own words; “Live a little!”.
To be brutally honest with myself I have even forgotten not only how to live but also how to enjoy life. Enjoy the things that I enjoy to do. I think deep down, there is a part of me that believes that I do not deserve to enjoy life, because after enjoyment comes sorrows. Meaning, I will have a negative experience after having enjoyed life. It could be anything that I am enjoying at one time, when it is over some part me know that there will be some negative consequences afterwards. How do I turn this around I do not know.
For a long time I have been fighting against myself by trying to fit myself into expectations of others and also expectations that I think others might have, while losing myself in the process. I am lost, confused, but deep down I have the feeling that I have to go through this and it will be ok.
If my writing is confusing the hell out of you? Imagine how everything looks inside my head. One thing is certain, and that is I love writing, and I will keep doing this because I have the need to put pen to paper to free my body, mind and soul.
I have no idea what is going on, or do I? Change is knocking on the door, and I think it is time to answer the door….